Entitlement. It’s a word the pastor spoke on last Sunday, and it was such a timely word for me to hear. I think, sadly, sometimes when growing up in the church, we think that if we serve the Lord, if we give our time, effort and energy to the Lord then we deserve ________. And I have fallen for that, many a time over. When we were in the trenches of infertility, oh how my cries to the Lord were laced with it. I mean, hello, we were serving as missionaries in Haiti and still the Lord wasn’t giving me the desires of my heart. (more on this one later!) I had to bring it before Him all the time, so I wouldn’t feel entitled, I wouldn’t feel like I deserved kids because I was serving Him. That’s not how He works, and I’m so thankful for that.

Or how about, most recently, when we got back from serving abroad last year, and we had nothing. And, I’m ashamed to admit it, we came back with a bit of a chip on our shoulders. Like because we had been serving and giving so much over the last few years, it was now time people helped us. We had very little to our names, came back to live with our parents, were unemployed for a very rough few months…and we couldn’t help but feel some kind of desertion from the Lord. I do think part of it was due to entitlement issues and thinking that He or the church owed us at least some basics, and that is so ugly at it’s core because it’s the idea that it’s my turn. It’s all about me. What do I get now. And it’s not just something the world teaches, it’s also something the Christian church teaches, and I find myself sucked back into that vortex more often than I realize.

I do, of course, think that the Lord wants to and does indeed bless us. But it’s not because we serve Him, obey Him, give to Him that He blesses us per say. It’s simply because He is our Heavenly Father and wants to. He desires to bless us in every way fathomable because we are His beloved children.  And what is a blessing anyway? I used to only think of blessings as good ‘things’ given to me, material possessions, or great relationships, etc. But what about the blessing of a changed heart and attitude? Or how about the blessing of being burdened to help/give/serve others? Or what about the blessing of learning how to run to and rely solely on the Lord? Or how about the blessing of Him speaking right to your heart when you needed it most? Or how about the blessing of an encouraging word from a sister in Christ? Or the blessing of a perspective change?

I don’t know. I’ve been mulling this one over for a few days, and still have so many thoughts swirling around.

I think I just got initiated into a new club without realizing it. On my way home from the grocery store with the kids, we actually had a little bit of time to spare so I thought we would stop and feed the ducks. There is this cute little pond not too far from our house, and I thought for sure it would have some. We parked and I threw Hudson in the backpack, grabbed Eliana’s hand and we left everything in the car except our bread for the ducks. It was just a little walk to the pond, where we saw there were in fact no ducks, but instead a little playground. Eliana was delighted to play, and I was enjoying the beautiful trees and not dripping with sweat as I carried Hudson. (It’s only been in the 90’s…pretty nice!) After just a few minutes Eliana informs me she has to poo. Like now. So I look around and there clearly are no bathrooms, and two guys playing tennis close by. I take a quick inventory of where I could take her, banking on the fact that she wouldn’t make it back to the car. Here I am thinking I am prepared with the travel potty seat have in the car! We’ve had to do this a few times with going pee, but numero dos? With a toddler? In the trees? while having Hudson strapped to me? With nothing to wipe her with?!?! So I walk her off to what I thought was going to be a good spot off a little path and she informs me she doesn’t have to go. Phew. Well, after few more minutes of playing, she tells me again and gives me a look that says I have exactly 15 seconds before we’ve got a code brown situation. I carry her to a spot as far as I can away from the playground, and she squats. Does her thang. All the while I’m thinking “what am I going to wipe her with?! And so… I used the one thing I brought with me. The bread we brought to feed the ducks. That’s right.

When this whole traumatic situation was over, we both just kinda looked at each other, Eliana looked at the bread like ‘did you really just do that mom?’ and we both just turned and walked away. We didn’t talk about it, didn’t address it, just did what we had to do.

I would love to know what other moms out there belong to this club, and what, may I ask, have you had to use in your desperate time of need??

A day at the beach. Oh how the salt air does wonders for both of us.

But, but, I have to say, poor Texas, you try to have beach front, but you just can’t compete with San Diego. Oh man. First, we made the mistake of thinking how fun it would be to take a walk out of the pier. Our pier in Oceanside is great. It has it all-great people watching, people fishing, walkers, joggers, families, drunks, a restaurant at the food guaranteed to coat your arteries, and of course the bait shop with creepy Carl. But what does the pier in Galveston have? People fishing. That’s it! So we rolled up (literally, in our double jogger) and barely had room right down the middle to squeak by all the people fishing. And clearly the casual wanderer isn’t very common cause, man, did we get some looks! I will say though, I don’t know what was going on but there were schools of fish swimming on the surface of the water right by the pier… so that was kinda cool. But after taking 15 minutes to get the kids lathered up with spf, loaded up into the jogger and onto the pier, we left. We drove a few miles down the beach to find some sand. That, and we needed shade and spotted some umbrellas and I thought, hmmm, you can rent umbrellas (one point for TX!) since we haven’t bought one yet.

So we unload the kids for the second time, and made our way to the chairs and umbrellas. It costs $25 to rent one! What a joke. So I decided that’s what spf is for, and grabbed our rain umbrella (which we of course now have in the car at all times like any good resident here does). We found a spot  and enjoyed the day in the sunshine and water. It was only 90-a cold front has been sweeping across Texas, we’ve even gotten down to the low 80’s!- so it was pretty nice at the beach. Sadly though, we are spoiled. We both tried to make the most of our time at the beach but Brandon was bemoaning the lack of waves and while I did enjoy the surprisingly warm water, I found myself longing for some softer sand, cooler weather, and no dogs on the beach (ewwww.) I know, we love dogs! But I seriously can’t stand dogs on the beach. I don’t know if it’s the nasty wet,sandy dog thing, or because I’m barefoot and people don’t always clean up after their dogs, or the fact that my last encounter with a dog on the beach was when Brandon and I took the kids to Oceanside down at sunset with pizza and a dog not on it’s leash ran up to my piece and licked it. The owner stopped it before he could eat it, and I was like ummm you can go ahead and have it!

Anyway, it was good to be outside, nice to smell the salty air, and the kids of course loved it. So even though it’s a significant drive (1.5 hrs) I think we’ll be going back simply because,well, it’s the ocean. Like a moth to the flame..